Just a common love story.

It was almost one year ago since we broke up. Even though we were not even together. She was too scared to have a relationship with me. Maybe not just with me but in general. It’s been one year since we kissed. One year since the last time we’ve talked..

It’s a late warm summer, 2014. And we have never seen each other in the first and last months of chatting. It was a hard day for me and later on for her as well. I was finally moving to Nuremberg without telling her about that. The actual reason I avoided meeting up with her.. When I was finally laying on my new bed in that horrible hostel for students in a city I have never been to in my entire life, I have finally told her about it. Her reaction has suprised me. I was a huge loss for her. Yet we didn’t stop chatting and also talking on the phone. I hate talking on the phone, yet I’ve called her. I guess that describes best, what she meant for me. Time has passed and there was my first trip back to my hometown to visit my parents and friends and ..her. Sadly I had not more than two days to see her. But these two days felt like a whole week, if you only count time. If you count the experience, it felt like a long part of my life that I would never wish to end. We were walking at night across the city, near the river, enjoying the best views of the city, like the world was going to end any minute and we had yet so much to see together. We were kissing. Kissing like passionate true lovers who were many years apart and suddenly had the chance to meet for a moment and give as much love as possible. And I was sure we were made for each other. But soon we realised the distance would be a big obstruction for us both and it wouldn’t work out between us. Thus we knew we would not be together and became both very depressive. I was back in Nuremberg and after a few letters, I broke the connection between us and we haven’t talked another year.

It’s a rainy autumn, 2015. After living a whole year at the final third floor of a shitty student hostel where I was able to grill a chicken wing if I put it on my table in a ‚warm‘ day of summer, because the architect was a son of a b**** for creating that hostel, and after one year studying something I had completely no interest in, I was moving back to my hometown, because I had the chance to study something together with my friends. I’ve found a new apartment, which was in fact two bus stops away of where she lived, and started living there and after three months I recieved a message from her. A message after one year of silence. A message asking me when I’m going to visit my parents again. As naive, silly and happy as I was I told her I am here right now. And we met again. We didn’t kiss like before. We didn’t kiss at all. We held hands and hugged, spent time together but it was a different feeling. And I was so shy too or maybe it wasn’t even shyness. She was so far away even though she was sitting beside me. It was like a huge invisible wall between us causing silence. And very soon I told her that I’ve moved back to my hometown. I guess that was the changing factor for her reactions, because she thought we had just a few days and I will be gone again for a time. But it was like ‚Bam! I live here now!‘. Of course not exactly like that but I said it too fast and out of nothing. Anyways, later on after I have risked a kiss, she wanted to tell me something important. She told me there will be nothing more between us than just friends. It was a critical hit right in my head and right after that I’ve isolated myself and blocked her for a time. Yep, that’s how I was used to treat people. Removing them directly from my life and be depressed for a long time. But that was too hard for me. She wanted to meet me to cheer me up. She didn’t want me to feel that bad and probably wanted to help me. We went out to an italian restaurant. I couldn’t say a single word. I felt so hurt and shit like my soul has left me with all those things which were usually making me feel alright. I was caught in a rotting body brimfull of mixed negative emotions circleing around in my head. We were in that stuffy room full of people, eating italian noodles and I just felt sick. I felt so bad, like my head would explode any minute. Then she went home and I went home. It was like we had no more feelings left for each other. She was texting me a few times to cheer me up, but she was treating me as a friend and it was still hurting me. I wrote we shouldn’t talk for a while, because I just can’t get over you. She understood me and answered ‚then I won’t text you until you text me‘. And since then we didn’t talk..

It’s 24th of October, 2016, around eight months later and out of nothing, I recieve a private message on my Instagram. It’s her. She said, she knows how stupid it is that she textes me again but she wrote a letter for herself about me and wanted me to read it, but she needed my adress. Otherwise she would run around in rain here, searching for my house on the streets. She asked me to not ignore it, because it is very important for her right now. It means insanely much to her and she feels so horrible. I’ve replied her with just my street and apartment number. One day later I found a letter in my mailbox. With a smell of her. Yes, we have always sprayed parfume on the letters for each other. She wrote about the awesome moments we had together, how sorry she is, how sad she was all this time, how happy she was with me before.. She said I was the first one who accepted her the way she is and other beautiful things.. Now I am sitting here and writing that story of us and deciding what way I should go. I’m thinking what if in 2 years I would hit the edit button of this post and add: „It’s a cold snowy winter 2018, thank god you gave her another chance, past me. We are happy like never before in both of our lives.“ But then I thought.. what if that won’t happen? .. Stay tuned! (:D)

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Update #1 (30.10.16): That escalated way too fast.. 😀

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Update #2 (02.11.16): I’m surprisingly really happy. Since yesterday we are officially a couple which means I’m in a relationship for the first time after almost four years.. Yet I can’t sleep properly at nights, because everything is just too spontaneous.. But on the other side, there is nothing bad happening. We even fit together and always have a great time. For some reason I’m afraid that something bad might happen even though there are completely no reasons for that to happen :S Maybe it is simply too spontaneous and I need time to accept that ’new life‘?

Final Update #3 (28.11.2016): Yesterday was the first time she told me she loves me. We didn’t see each other for 3 days and we were unconciously missing each other a lot. The first hour we spent just hugging, kissing and sitting together inside a silent dark room. We felt so completed and reunited. I’m in love and she makes me very happy.

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Finally a positive update! :)

Hello my dear diary,

it’s been some time after the last post, which wasn’t positive at all but right now I feel that I’m heading in a positive direction! Even though the next months will be the worst months of my life. Anyways, good news! I’ve finally been travelling as I’ve planned for these holidays. I went to Prague with a friend, even though I’ve been there a few times already but not on my own. And it was awesome! Prague is such a beautiful city; it was a pleasure walking on the streets and watching the architecture, enjoying the great, warm weather and pretty girls 😀 Oh yes, now I know if I’m ever going to search for a wife, my first stop will be Prague! We had a lot of fun. The connection between my INTP friend and me became quiet stronger, I can feel it. We have been there for two nights. Enough for our legs to almost fall off but I don’t regret anything 🙂 Now I’m finally back in my hometown and gonna get ready for University in the next days. Also today I got inspired by a creative Twitch streamer to start drawing and I drew a lion! And it didn’t even look too bad at all, honestly, I’m so proud of myself. I feel that it raised my motivation level. Seems like my motivation raises if i successfully complete something. That’s a great feeling after being caught in emptiness for a long time.. Being down all day without having any motivation to do anything. Guess it was just a matter of time. There will always be ups and downs. But remember: after every down, there will be an up. It’s just a matter of time. 

Doesn’t look too bad for a first time drawing a lion :‘)
Over the roofs of Prague 🙂

And it’s happening again. Night, stoned, deep thoughts, alone on my balcony watching the ‚almost‘ full moon and criticizing myself. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to work, I don’t want to study. The number of my hobbys is decreasing by every month. I wanted to write so much, to start teaching myself how to draw, to do some sports, to study but I’m not doing anything. I don’t even feel doing it. I feel so empty, you know? Like I simply don’t have the motivation to do anything. And fuck the punctuation! Instead, I consume drugs almost every day, meet some friends and just stay home for all the rest of the time. Dont even read a book. Just me and my damn PC. Instead of doing something useful like playing the piano, playing the guitar, writing something, start drawing, do some sports, look for a small job or study. I wanted to travel somewhere, but in 3 weeks studies start again. I wanted to visit so many places, so many cities. Great. Now its getting cold. Today was the last warm day. Awesome! Why am I so unmotivated? Why do I see no sense in doing almost everything? That fucks me up. Dunno why Im sharing that anyways.

Uff, but dont mind me, youre still so damn beautiful, moon.

Tired of being so lonely. Tired of wanting to be alone. Tired of getting tired of people and needing time for myself. Will that always be like that?

I need to say something about pride..

I need to say something about pride. In the last 4 years (as far as I remember) I was never proud of myself. Never, not a single day. There was never a thought like ‚Damn, I did that so good! I’m so proud of myself!‘ going through my mind. I just disliked myself so much that it was impossible for a thought like this to cross my mind.

However, since I began to get my knowledge about introvertism, I’ve started changing myself drasticly. Step by step I was analyzing myself more and more and started improving my ’negative sides‘. I’ve started loving myself.. Started to realize what kind of a human being I am. And I have remembered many negative and hurting things I was carrying inside myself my whole life. 

It started when I was about 5 years old. My dad has always been very mean and agressive towards me. When I was about 5 years old, he started beating me. Whenever there was something bad I did, he was beating me. Even though I would never do something bad on purpose, I mean, I was fucking 5, well that doesn’t matter. At the same age I remember, we (my older cousin (who was like 7 or 8 back then), my dad and me) were walking outside. I remember they were mobbing me, making fun of me. I don’t remember why, but I was almost crying on the way back. I had the job to carry my dads cigarettes. But, since they were so mean to me, I decided to hide his cigarettes in a bush. I was walking infront of them and went a bit faster and was more far away. I have put his cigarettes in some bush and was waiting for them. We were near the house of my cousins parents when he asked me, where did I put his cigarettes. I think I didn’t answer, while the bush was actually behind them. He told me to stand at the wall of their house, while he was quiet far away standing with my cousin and a football on the ground infront of me. They started hitting the ball towards me and it was landing right beside my head almost every single time. I was covering my face so I wouldn’t get hit by that hard ball. I think I will remember that moment for my entire life. I was watching through my salty tears how my dad and cousin were enjoyingly shooting a ball at me and laughing. A few minutes later I was running up the stairs with my eyes full of tears to my mother.

In the next years he was dominating and beating me more. By dominating I mean f.e. he made me do push ups infront of people for whatever reasons. Yes, he told me to go to the ground and start doing push ups. Also he was mobbing me infront of my friends. He often took a friend of mine outside on the balcony and started talking to him about me, while I was waiting alone in my room. He was basically changing their view about me, by telling them my weak points. Of course he was saying everything in a funny way, since he was talking to kids, but he has always managed that they were laughing at me. It was like he was stealing my friends. It made me feel so much uncomfortable. And through all my life he was always dominating, screaming and beating me. However a few years ago he stopped beating me. He promised (to himself), to not beat me anymore. And btw, as naive as I am, I always forgave him and tried to forget all the things he did to me.

You know, I’ve always loved when my mom told me about myself, when I was little. She always said, I was like an angel. I was very rarely and almost never crying, I was always calm and friendly. Always careful, happy and big hearted. As far as I remember, I’ve always been that calm and introverted, even when I was that little. And then I asked myself, what kind of things did I do that he has always found reasons to beat the shit out of me? I would never hurt someone on purpose, never do something bad because I simply never want to harm someone or just do something bad. And now, every time I look at my dad, I remember how much he was beating me. How much he was dominating me. I can’t even look in his eyes. I never want to see him, never want to talk to him. Can’t take him serious, never believe in his advices. He always thinks I believe in everything he says when I’m not saying anything. But to be honest, I’ve stopped believing everything he says, already since a few years. He made me suffer so much, he made me so depressive, it’s insane how much pain I am carrying with me because of him.

After all, I’m very proud of myself. I’m so proud that the 5 year old Roman didn’t tell his dad where his cigarettes were. I’m so proud of the way I was back then. So proud to be that ‚angel‘ child that never cried and was always calm. I even was the best student in the first grade back in Ukraine. The best! 5 of 5 in every subject, everyone loved me, every single teacher! And all these years I was so loyal, intelligent, introverted and big hearted. I am so proud of that. All this negative shit made me stronger. It tought me so many different lessons but also made me depressive even until now. I guess everyone would feel that, if he sees his own dad shooting a ball while he is standing at a wall and dodging the fast ball flying towards him. When your mind realizes that it’s your own dad doing that to you, you start wondering if you could ever love your dad again. I was just laying on my bed and had an awesome thought. In case my dad and I travel back to Ukraine to visit my cousin, I will make them stand at the wall and play that ‚game‘ with them. Eventually I will get emotional. And eventually they will remember this situation and at least say sorry.

Okay, its 4:21 AM now, means I’m writing that for almost an hour. Time to sleep in peace. Thank you for reading 🙂

Now you can look at the little 2 year old INFP below :‘)

#depression #hate #family #infp #introvert #life

A view inside my mind