It was almost one year ago since we broke up. Even though we were not even together. She was too scared to have a relationship with me. Maybe not just with me but in general. It’s been one year since we kissed. One year since the last time we’ve talked..
It’s a late warm summer, 2014. And we have never seen each other in the first and last months of chatting. It was a hard day for me and later on for her as well. I was finally moving to Nuremberg without telling her about that. The actual reason I avoided meeting up with her.. When I was finally laying on my new bed in that horrible hostel for students in a city I have never been to in my entire life, I have finally told her about it. Her reaction has suprised me. I was a huge loss for her. Yet we didn’t stop chatting and also talking on the phone. I hate talking on the phone, yet I’ve called her. I guess that describes best, what she meant for me. Time has passed and there was my first trip back to my hometown to visit my parents and friends and ..her. Sadly I had not more than two days to see her. But these two days felt like a whole week, if you only count time. If you count the experience, it felt like a long part of my life that I would never wish to end. We were walking at night across the city, near the river, enjoying the best views of the city, like the world was going to end any minute and we had yet so much to see together. We were kissing. Kissing like passionate true lovers who were many years apart and suddenly had the chance to meet for a moment and give as much love as possible. And I was sure we were made for each other. But soon we realised the distance would be a big obstruction for us both and it wouldn’t work out between us. Thus we knew we would not be together and became both very depressive. I was back in Nuremberg and after a few letters, I broke the connection between us and we haven’t talked another year.
It’s a rainy autumn, 2015. After living a whole year at the final third floor of a shitty student hostel where I was able to grill a chicken wing if I put it on my table in a ‚warm‘ day of summer, because the architect was a son of a b**** for creating that hostel, and after one year studying something I had completely no interest in, I was moving back to my hometown, because I had the chance to study something together with my friends. I’ve found a new apartment, which was in fact two bus stops away of where she lived, and started living there and after three months I recieved a message from her. A message after one year of silence. A message asking me when I’m going to visit my parents again. As naive, silly and happy as I was I told her I am here right now. And we met again. We didn’t kiss like before. We didn’t kiss at all. We held hands and hugged, spent time together but it was a different feeling. And I was so shy too or maybe it wasn’t even shyness. She was so far away even though she was sitting beside me. It was like a huge invisible wall between us causing silence. And very soon I told her that I’ve moved back to my hometown. I guess that was the changing factor for her reactions, because she thought we had just a few days and I will be gone again for a time. But it was like ‚Bam! I live here now!‘. Of course not exactly like that but I said it too fast and out of nothing. Anyways, later on after I have risked a kiss, she wanted to tell me something important. She told me there will be nothing more between us than just friends. It was a critical hit right in my head and right after that I’ve isolated myself and blocked her for a time. Yep, that’s how I was used to treat people. Removing them directly from my life and be depressed for a long time. But that was too hard for me. She wanted to meet me to cheer me up. She didn’t want me to feel that bad and probably wanted to help me. We went out to an italian restaurant. I couldn’t say a single word. I felt so hurt and shit like my soul has left me with all those things which were usually making me feel alright. I was caught in a rotting body brimfull of mixed negative emotions circleing around in my head. We were in that stuffy room full of people, eating italian noodles and I just felt sick. I felt so bad, like my head would explode any minute. Then she went home and I went home. It was like we had no more feelings left for each other. She was texting me a few times to cheer me up, but she was treating me as a friend and it was still hurting me. I wrote we shouldn’t talk for a while, because I just can’t get over you. She understood me and answered ‚then I won’t text you until you text me‘. And since then we didn’t talk..
It’s 24th of October, 2016, around eight months later and out of nothing, I recieve a private message on my Instagram. It’s her. She said, she knows how stupid it is that she textes me again but she wrote a letter for herself about me and wanted me to read it, but she needed my adress. Otherwise she would run around in rain here, searching for my house on the streets. She asked me to not ignore it, because it is very important for her right now. It means insanely much to her and she feels so horrible. I’ve replied her with just my street and apartment number. One day later I found a letter in my mailbox. With a smell of her. Yes, we have always sprayed parfume on the letters for each other. She wrote about the awesome moments we had together, how sorry she is, how sad she was all this time, how happy she was with me before.. She said I was the first one who accepted her the way she is and other beautiful things.. Now I am sitting here and writing that story of us and deciding what way I should go. I’m thinking what if in 2 years I would hit the edit button of this post and add: „It’s a cold snowy winter 2018, thank god you gave her another chance, past me. We are happy like never before in both of our lives.“ But then I thought.. what if that won’t happen? .. Stay tuned! (:D)
Update #1 (30.10.16): That escalated way too fast.. 😀
Update #2 (02.11.16): I’m surprisingly really happy. Since yesterday we are officially a couple which means I’m in a relationship for the first time after almost four years.. Yet I can’t sleep properly at nights, because everything is just too spontaneous.. But on the other side, there is nothing bad happening. We even fit together and always have a great time. For some reason I’m afraid that something bad might happen even though there are completely no reasons for that to happen :S Maybe it is simply too spontaneous and I need time to accept that ’new life‘?
Final Update #3 (28.11.2016): Yesterday was the first time she told me she loves me. We didn’t see each other for 3 days and we were unconciously missing each other a lot. The first hour we spent just hugging, kissing and sitting together inside a silent dark room. We felt so completed and reunited. I’m in love and she makes me very happy.